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たまごっち Wars!
Below are the 25 most recent journal entries.
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2007.04.01 12.04
Cannibal Elephants Have Visible Nipples
So THAT's where Thora Birch went wrong. I would have liked Election so much more if it wasn't Reese Witherspoon, because I feel wrong somehow for having been attracted to The Spoon. Which is not to say that I didn't like Election, just that the empathy I had with Simba's character was more on the guilt end rather than the, "Oh, yeah, I'd fuck her too" end it would have been with Birch.
Now this doesn't quite explain what happened to her titties, but assuming that the system of women I'm attracted to is a closed one, then slicing the Lomonosov-Lavoisier Law with Occam's razor could elucidate the prior post.
Mood: The World has Lost its Master
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2007.03.04 01.19
A Knuckle Sandwich is כַּשְרוּת
I prefer Flags to 硫黄島からの手紙, but maybe I just don't know enough 日本国's history to understand why what appears to be an anti-天皇 (albeit ambivalent-to-Amerikkka) movie written, produced, and directed by Americans — Yamashita is {foo}世 — is better than an allegorical deconstruction of propaganda-industrial complex. 日本国 liked it more than America liked its "own" side (both made ≈$13mill in the overseas incarnations), and Metacritic felt the same way so. Of course, Zacharek being the brave and sententious (in a good way!) soul that she is, cried out in the wilderness against all this. Had the Times sent out Dargis instead of ole A.O. I might have felt worse about liking 硫黄島 less, but they didn't and, in any case, I did like the movie. Most of my complaints are contextual.
1) Considering it's owned by a couple of billionaires, you'd think the theater I saw 硫黄島 would print its tickets on better paper. It took me half an hour to realize what I thought was a discareded receipt was actually my ticket, no thanks to the whopping one person working the ticket window on a Saturday night.
2) Where was the crossover with Flags? I think there was some shared footage but, otherwise, I was expecting some sort of easter egg for having watched both. Y'know, like with ふしぎの木の実 大地の章 and ふしぎの木の実 時空の章. Maybe it was really really subtle, but I was hoping for a Paul Walker cameo or something.
3) Definitely not a popcorn movie. I was next to this old 日本人 couple, and I felt like I was spitting on their history every time I tried to open my bag of Sour Patch Kids. I tried slipping stuff in during the action scenes, but even they were pretty quiet sometimes.
4) They cut the credits off before the end. I guess they really wanted to get home. Weird, though, that this is only the second time I'd ever seen that happen, and that the first was only a few weeks ago at a showing of The Departed. You'd think it would be for something people would take less seriously (and yes, there was somebody besides me watching them through).
5) Scott Foundas writes that 二宮和也 is a "pop star." Maybe that helps furthuer explain the popularity of 硫黄島 in 日本国, but it just confuses me because he looks like Asia's answer to Jay Baruchel. Oh, wow, Jenna Fischer was on that show?
Mood: Slept on a Corduroy Pillow
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2007.02.11 20.29
This is Just Me Trying to Fuck You a Lot
 I know when I describe "another female" I can be really critical, but sometimes I'm unequivocally blown away, and I feel no desire to downplay or apologize for my attraction. Such is the case with April Hernandez.
Maybe there's just something about the makeup on '30 Rock;' they manage to make Tina Fey look consistently sexy, after all, and she always had this wrinkle on 'SNL' that pissed me off, Lisa Loeb glasses or no (oh, see, I'm doing it again). In any case, Ms Hernandez's seduction of Pete in the episode 'Black Tie' was the sexiest thing I've seen since LaToya Alexander gyrating in slowmotion (for a more booty-heavy stream, see here). Sooo...in the past three months? I guess that's not so impressive, but, you have to consider, Alexander-in-slowmo is hypnotic, and she didn't even her warrant her own post, as did many a-woman sitting in my objectification folder, including:
—Ms Hernandez's fellow Freedom Writers co-star and essentially ebonized Raven-Symoné Giovannie Samuels.
—Curly-haired Carnegie Mellon Latinalum Roberta Valderrama.
—This random Arab chick (why is she here??).
—ANTM's first actually good-looking contestant since Tocarra (take THAT, non-Christopher Titus)
—ABCDLady Banner Lady. Oh picture 3, how your cleavage has captured me.
—Miss Universeses Big up Belgium for entering the brown zone, though.
—Kelli Garner's boobs
—Billionaire Hind Hariri, who has a 50/50 chance of being my wife or Batwoman.
—Latinactress Bábara Mori, on the sheer strength of 1min, 44.27sec to 1min, 45.77sec in the trailer for La Mujer De Mi Hermano (although 1min, 13.65sec to 1min, 15.82sec isn't half-bad)
—That Blasian Miss Chinatown contestant (who apparently Googles hereself), who supposedly has "bushels of curly hair and her curvy figure" but I've yet to see proof.
—Proof I'm not only a pedophile, but a twisted one
Still, as much better than all that Ms Hernandez is even all this is not reason enough to see Freedom Writers. I'll watch those '30 Rock' clips 'til the cows come home, though.
...
I'm still doing it, aren't I? The irony of it all is, based soley on the front and back covers, I want to buy Candice Pillay's album. Sure she's airbrushed and still doing the look-at-my-tits pose, but it fucking works on me, okay? Besides, this selection process worked well enough with Andrea Lewis and Frankee so who's to say it won't work again? Right? Exactly.)
Mood: Sucking My Own Water Buffalo
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2007.01.21 13.19
Hamlet Session
I wanted to half-like The Holiday. I suspected the Jude Law/Cameron Diaz portions of the film would bore me to tears: two supposedly-pretty people exploring their unempathizable/outlandish personal issues. Kinda like the Benneth-vehicle Bounce. The Kate Winslet/Jack Black side, however, looked charming, mostly because I like Eternal Sunshine and, I don't know, Neverending Story III? Why do I like Jack Black? (I am definitely looking forward to his two Gondry flicks. How many times do you think I could start a sentence with 'I'?)
As it turns out, the former story is pretty affecting, if in a cheap way, the latter makes no sense, and the conceit to set them all up doesn't make sense. Society-page-journalist Iris (Winslet) has her English-countryside house available for exchange during Yuletide, and movie-trailer-editor (wha?) Amanda (Diaz) wants out of L.A. because her boyfriend (I cannot STAND Ed Burns's voice) is sleeping around. Okay, except, the exchange works through some sort of IM application...which Iris and Amanda both happen to have open at the same time...and nobody has come by to vett Amanda's house...and why did Iris have her house up for exchange in the first place? Did she know she was going to have an emotional breakdown at some point? Mostly, though, it's the whole IM thing that gets me. Also, that characters say things they're typing. Do you do that? I don't do that. Fuck, that scene really pissed me off.
Fine, whatever, Amanda's in England, Iris is in L.A. Amanda falls for Iris's brother Graham (Law) while Iris falls for Amanda's-ex's-assistant-cousin's-compadre's-baby daddy Miles (Black). Now, I can buy Iris falling for Miles, because the movie keeps telling us that Iris is a leading-lady in best friend's clothing (and, really, it uses those words), but Amanda is just on the rebound, Graham is a lady's man (with a seeecreheheht), and Miles is in a relationship. So, yeah, maybe Iris just needs somebody to have affection for her and her alone, that because she's been pining for years after a guy about to get married (yet another reason I want to love her character, but that's neither here nor there >_<), but Miles is not that guy. The Amanda/Graham shit, that's just them being irresponsible, and I don't care that they have discussions about that irresponsibility, because the mere fact you have to do that with someone you've just met requires prior irreospnsibility in the first place.
So even though this movie is supposed to be about good people finding great love, it's actually about fucked up people living lies. Iris sort of gets out from under her lie in the end, but that requires sucking Miles in (uh...spoiler?). There's some snappy dialog in the film to mitigate this (ZOM神 I ♥ Mr Napkinhead), and (*super-auteur-alert*) writer-director-producer Nancy Meyers's obsession with the movie business did more to entertain me than it did to exclude me (still, should the woman behind both Father of the Brides be allowed to write a love note to studio system-screwball comedies? That'd be like if Rick Famuyiwa followed up Brown Sugar with another buppie rom-com but loaded it with references to Jerry Lewis: not improbable, but nontheless random.)
Still, I'd rather have Peter Cullen and Hilary Duff parody Don LaFontaine and Lindsay Lohan rather have the latter two parody themselves (although, Lohan parodying LaFontaine and vice versa would be pretty hilarious). But that's probably just me.
—Chang (along with everyone else) downplays all the Hollywood-self-indexicality as overly smug considering the movie's overall formulaic-ness? Acity? Itude?
—Dargis thinks an Iris-only story would have worked better
—Stevens sees the movie as quintessential whiteness
—♥Zacharek♥ accuses Meyer of propagating a fantasy-philosophy as restricting as the patriarchy (from which it emanates?)
Mood: Always a Piece of Lettuce
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2006.12.14 02.47
Some Popcorn, or a Duck
MO-THER-FUCK. How did this happen? The same creative team behind Date Movie, even the DP and production designer, has been brought back to parody big budget flicks with Epic Movie. Well, big-budget flicks and SoaP. I can't even begin to stress how bad Date Movie was. Fact is, it made over $80mill worldwide off a $20mil production budget and added $45mill in rentals. To put this in perspective: Pirates generated about $13mill its first week of rentals compared to $135mill its first weekend in theaters off a $200-odd million budget, while Date Movie made $9mill in its first week of rentals compared to $19mill its first box office weekend, and don't tell me it was because of the DVD's "anti-commentary" track. Granted, I'm pretty sure Date Movie didn't approach any DVD sales records like Pirates, but that data's guarded under lock and key by Nieslen, so who knows. Nielsen is such an asshole of a company. Either way, we're talking about a 500% profit margin. You mean to tell me you wouldn't try to milk that cow? I do wonder if we should expect it to make more than My Super Ex-Girlfriend's $22mill, SoaP's $34, or Eragon's [to be entered later so I look prescient]
For what it's worth editor Paul Hirsch has been succeeded by Peck Prior, Rodney Liber is executive producing in lieu of Arnon Milchan, and Epsilon is no longer an involved production company — maybe because they were busy being bought out — but overall New Regency/20th Century Fox brought back the same people behind one of the worst shitfests if cinematic history. And America really has nobody to blame but itself. Well, that and the combined $12mill from Australia and England.
Oh, and Canada, which gets lumped in with American box office figures. Don't try to hide behind the loon, hose[u]rs!
Mood: Now the Pixie King
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2006.12.09 13.56
Yogi Bear is Made of Metal
I can't speak on the story for ต้มยำกุ้ง so much , because I couldn't make heads or tail of it. A Thai elephant gets poached as part of grand conspiracy between the a transsexual-lead Chinese mafia, a gang of X-treme athletes, and Australian police and it's up to one guy with kick-ass Muay Thai abilities to get it back? Some of this shit is true; I've been reading a lot about elephants lately, and all sorts of shady shenanigans go down on the black market. So maybe (auteur alert!) writer/director/producer ปรัชญา ปิ่นแก้ว was on to something and y'all just ignorant (for example, otherwise-esteemed Ms Stevens, that wasn't really Jackie Chan in the airport).
Nor can I really come at the fight choreography. Pannai Rittakai gave the internet years of "oooh"s and "aaah"s thanks to clips of องค์บาก floating around before its theatrical relase (in fairness, I watched a BitTorrent bootleg of ต้มยำกุ้ง, but apparently I'm better off that way, and it makes the movie's aside about DVD piracy that much sweeter). I can quibble about film direction v fight direction, especially in the one-shot stair sequence, but there were still a boatload of "Oh shit!" moments, from the very first moment the...uh...protaognist (what's his name, anyway) knocks a bunch of random thugs from outside the frame, to the oft-promoted clip with the helicopter. So it was a surprisingly long and confusing movie, but so what?
What really gets me is the racial politics of it all. I've mentioned my love of anti-Anglo aZn flicks before. What surprised me was the degree to which ต้มยำกุ้ง rags on other coloreds. There was a glimpse of this in องค์บาก with the Myanma Naingngandawian steroid-using villain, but by and large is was a capital-arr-Romantic critique of Bangkok. In, ต้มยำกุ้ง along with the corrupt Australian, there's a striaght-up whip-using Chinese dragon lady, an-almost-kick ass Vietnamese gangster (reminds me of high school), and Lateef Crowder as the film's star (in my eyes): Random Capoeira Dude. Shades of The Rundown the way he just gives it to the protagonist, Kiss of the Dragon in that he pops up as odd paean to the African-American community while simultaneously casting them all as antagoniggertic, and, most sadly, of Jim Kelly in Enter the Dragon the way he gets snuffed after a little shine. Did I mention the dragon is having an affair with the corrupt white cop and the Vietnamese dude is running a Thai "white slavery" ring?
This time around, Thais are the good guys, from เพชรทาย วงคำเหลา as the upstanding (if grandstanding) Asia Town cop in Sydney to the doe-eyed บงกช คงมาลัย, a call-girl-trying-to-make-good in the vein of Diana Armstrong. Even though the system is stacked against them, they keep on-keeping on and succeed in the end. Well, maybe the call girl is still a call girl, I don't think they ever say, but, whatever, she's just a girl.
Near as I can tell, since Thailand is like the Asian Ethiopia, they can't be pissy about some post-colonial experience like, say, Hong Kong. The white man didn't do Thai's wrong so much as the Japanese and the rest of Indochina did. So fuck 'em all, maybe? I wonder how this all plays in other parts of Asia, and I can look it up, but I refuse to put work into an LJ entry. Stream-o-consciousness.
Finally, to be fair, there is one white yogi who get some respect, but he ends up [SPOI..oh, who am I kidding?] dead. A pretty weird twist on the whole tragic mulatto trope.
Mood: I'd Like More Fluids
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2006.10.28 20.48
Ninja-nowhere or Rural-nowhere?
Last year I was upset with the person chosen as Sexiest Woman Alive by Esquire. She isn't even sexier than her longback Texas Chainsaw predecessoreplacement (stupid prequels...)!
At least this year Scarlett Johansson has managed to both overcome child-stardom and transcend her lips; 後輩 Kat Dennings tried the boob-route to escape being that-actress-with-the-blog and it backfired hideously. Considering that Johansson's highest-grossing movie [of the century] is In Good Company, that's pretty impressive. She's an art house chick getting A-list love. Unfuckwitable.
To be the baddest I should not be able to, off the top of my head, think up a bunch that come with closing distance of you. For example, I was using BoxOfficeMojo's surprisingly superlative showtimes feature (seriously Fandango and Moviefone, step your game up) when I came upon this. Now I've noted before that Anne Hathaway is no slouch in the fuckability department, but I was surprised by how accidentally seductive she could be. It turns out when she tries, she does a fine job as well.
But, is she prettier than Emmy Rossum's perpetual pubescence? Emmanuelle Chriqui amibguous otherness's Leila Arcieri's mutt ass? Not conclusively. So how can I, in good conscience, elevate her into the pulchritude pantheon?
Oh Thora Birch, where did you go wrong?
Mood: Punani to the Public
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2006.09.08 05.34
Buffbob Musclepants
For perhaps the billionth time, I'm not a big fan of aZn ladies. Seriously, is this supposed to make me drool? She looks like Jewel Staite for Pete's sake (and rule number one in objectifying women is don't let Maxim pics fool you).
That said, I do love-love-love Gong Li. Li Gong. 巩俐. The sheer fact that she's over 40 and still doing her thing, I mean, I almost saw Miami Vice just for her. She speaks Spanish in the movie. SPANISH! I'm definitely going to end up watching clips of that movie a year down the road, like I've done with Malena.
Anyway, so what? I've noted my aberrational affection for Miss Li before. Well, I just saw the trailer for Curse of the Golden Flower. I never really got down with 张艺谋, mostly because I can't stand 武俠 and that's all that's ever released in Amerikkka. Someone like 王家衛 is way more up my alley. Shit, I actually own a copy of Eros. However, Curse... stands out to me because of:
BOOBIES
There is some redonkulous boobage going on. Like, every single woman's cleavage is working quadruple overtime. See hyah und thyah, although it's really best seen in motion, in hi-def. One scene has Li running, and she might as well have been animated by Gainax the way she's bouncing around.
Not only is the undoubtable beauty that is Li all decked out and sexy, but Zhang has plucked some random chick named Man Li out of obscurity to play Li's rival. I think. The plot kind of escapes me. Now, she has one of those weirdly-shaped Devon Aoki heads, and at first glance she can look so boringly aZn as to turn the discerning lecher (huh?) off. However, she has a secret weapon (all together now):
BOOBIES
Plus her name is MANLY. You can't make that shit up. China is fucking hilarious.
Mood: mo-mo-motherfuckin' TRAPEZOIDS
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2006.08.12 18.24
Don't Make Air Quotes at Me
This was going to be a review of Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events, but as I was doing my cursory review of reviews, I came across Michael Atkinson's, and the idea of name dropping the likes of Max Schreck and Mervyn Peake in reviewing a kids' movie infuriated me both because it was incredibly pretentious and because I wish I was smart enough to ever have come up with those connections. So, instead, I decided to focus on how cute one of the stars was, which lead to this:
 She is not in Lemony Snicket. Actually, I have no idea who she is, and that bothers me. She looks like a refugee from "Meth & Red," and she's not famous? And 章子怡 is? And 巩俐 has to have sex with Colin Farrell to get roles (its the necessity of it that's bad, not the very-fuckable Farrell)? The priorities of my fellow female-objectifyers are all off!
Backtracking a bit, the cute cast member is one Emily Browning, who may be just a few months shy of "legal" now, but she was playing a 14 year-old then. However, DSL has no age (and, in any case, I have pedophilic tendencies), and I started taking screen captures to showcase hers. Lo and behold, however, there's an entire website dedicated to pictures of Ms Browning. High quality pictures, at that.
Okay, maybe another adolescent made it. That would be, well, still obsessive, but with a tempered creepiness (some things are creepy no matter what the age of the authors). So, okay, pages focusing on the likes of Emily Browning and Hayden Panettiere are out for my browing amusement, but so should be "sexy" screencaps of "Everybody Loves Raymond", every fucking anchorwoman, or other such misogynist miscellany. They're not supposed to be sexy! By finding these things sexy, we make ourselves out to be deviants.
Now, say, a Stacie Orrico collection I can get behind, as I've alluded to earlier. Even though I know that her breasts — like many others' — are exposed as lies from the side, a little photographic fooling never hurt anybody (except maybe Millard Tydings).
So how do we get back to the picture? Well, if there are pages for pubescent Aussies, CCM succubi, lactating sitcom actresses, and pretty much anyone that's ever given the news, why isn't there one for a sexy video ho?? Shouldn't she be exactly the type of person with image archives? All those other people, we hear about them, we see them all the time. Just turn on a TV or flip click open the Yahoo! News-papers! Meanwhile, I have scour the web to track down halfway-decent music videos, let alone any info on them. Where are our priorities?
I was going to go see Step Up tonight, but now I'm all hot under the collar and I don't know if I still want to. See internet? You really are destroying Hollywood, and not Hollywood's own inability to create anything new, no matter what Variety steals from me.
Mood: Nip of the Creature
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2006.07.27 22.12
throwing_trash@your.vagina
It's not that I think Kevin Smith isn't a good writer, or even a bad director. He creates great characters and gives them hilarious lines, and has a knack for finding the right actors for the job (I even think Jeremy London does a good job as T.S. Quint in Mallrats, even if nobody remembers him). It's just...his plots suck. What was the plot to Clerks? Anyone? Dogma had a pretty good conceit, I'll give him that, but Chasing Amy only works because the characters are awesome. Jersey Girl, um, actually, I don't remember it one way or another, and considering Gigli sticks out quite clearly in mind, I don't know what that says. As for J&SBSB, let's not even kid ourselves (although, if I got to the point Smith got, I'd love to make a movie like that too). Thus we come to Clerks II.
The "Clerks" characters worked best, I think, as a TV show. Granted, Smith wasn't in complete control of that show, but the mood was mostly his, and it worked great in 22-minute shots. When stretched out into a movie, Smith seems to want to make a funny Before Sunrise: a lot of snappy patter with slightly more movement than My Dinner with Andre, but not that much more. So we get the jabs that the pop-cultural stuff that's emerged since the 2000 series (even some Transformers digs!...if not the best ones), we get the illusion of movement with lots of different characters coming through what is mostly one set, and we get an overarching plot that's tying together, if not vignettes, then a series of moments. It's what's tying everything together that I don't buy.
Clerks a film text works not just because it's cheap or funny, but because it encapsulates the crap of the service-sector without being didactic about it. Smith should probably sue Kanye for the profits to "The College Dropout." But what does Clerks II say, with characters that have been doing the same old thing for the past decade? Maybe I'm prejudiced, faulting the must-be-millionaire Smith for being out of touch why it would suck to work at a fast-food joint nowadays. Actually, Clerks II isn't about that so much; it thus avoids just trying to be a better Waiting (or, for that matter, Telling You aka "Clerks-in-Color-Staring-Jennifer-Love-Hewitt's-Still-Impresive-Breasts") and prevents itself from saying anything deeper about modern society. What could have been a commentary on the travails of finding happiness when the business world not only ensures you won't "succeed," but supports a culture industry that reinforces a hegemonic notion of "success," instead somehow becomes a fairytale where there's always a better way that can net you self-mastery and Rosario Dawson instead of filial-in-law-feudalism and Mrs Kevin Smith (who, I'm sorry, was never as hot as Smith made her out to be, thus ruining J&SBSB for me).
That said, Rosario Dawson was very, very beguiling in this, even when she didn't have the Lisa Loeb glasses on. It's probably my favorite performance of hers since I got really gassed on Lala way back in He Got Game (although I have yet to see 25th Hour, and I'm one of those freaks who liked Josie and the Pussycats). Everybody else was pretty good: Jeff Anderson deserves more roles, even if they're just Randall-lite, Trevor Fehrman was a fantastic foil for Anderson, and, I mean, Mewes is Mewes (Silent Bob was wack this time around, though — he definitely peaked in Chasing Amy).
Mood: A Crazy Whore for Money
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2006.07.15 21.23
Forest of Sexuality
It may look like there's too many cartoons coming out, but, actually, the problem is that the same cartoon is coming out too many times. We need a moratorium on funny animals v humans (and, for the record, anything with ants is out in perpetuity, even if it involves King Arthur). That both Aardman-via-Dreamworks and Pixar have rat movies in the pipeline doesn't help things. Monster House is probably the only even marginally original idea to which we can look forward in the next year so.
(Scanner Darkly is not a cartoon. Rotoscoping is one thing. There is a surrealist rationale behind the aesthetic, so I'm not hating on it, but, if it counts as a cartoon then so does almost any action movie that does the same in reverse with CGI-stunts)
Which is why Cars is so great. I've read endlessly that it smacks of Doc Hollywood, I realized after the fact that Transformers had a similar sensibility, and while watching it, I was almost shocked to be slapped in the face with some sort of suburban-Romanticism that seemed more Walter Elias than Steve Paul. Still, it did something almost no animated film has ever done: it was both absolutely real and cartoony at the same time. Dinosaur had live-action backgrounds, but the animation was too busy failing at being photorealistic to try and be manic in any way. Not as bad as Final Fantasy, but, really, what is? Advent Children was the jumpoff, though, even without a, um, let's say malproportioned Tifa (TITTIES!). Jimmy Neutron and Ice Age just looked half-assed, Polar Express creeped me the fuck out (they're ALL Tom Hanks???). Incredibles required some cartooniness because of Elastigirl, but the humans were ultimately stylized to the point of seeming a bit cheap. Madgascar was probably best at this, what with the spot-on rendering of New York combined with the malleability of all the characters, but, again, nobody is going to mistake any of them for actual animals.
Lightning McQueen on the other hand, looks just like a car. Except he has mouth. And a tongue. And eyes. But it works, somehow. Although I'm not big on NASCAR to know, the physics looked real enough, and the race scenes were pretty involving. The backgrounds are superb, as per pretty much any CG film. Again, I'm not knowledgable enough about the southwest to know what's what, but considering nothing's shot on location nowadays anyway, am I really supposed to be?
Extra-credit for making a comment on the ephemera of consumerism without shouting out any actual brands. That's about half of any Dreamworks movie right there. (It may seem like I don't like Dreamworks, but I give them credit for shattering Disney's stranglehold on the cartoon, by getting their foot in the door with Prince of Egypty, then blowing the door open with Shrek. Bluth, Bakshi, FLEISCHER...they never managed that.) Maybe not knowing if they'd still be corporately aligned with ESPN during the Disney/Pixar drama helped.
Storywise, I love the fact that it's a long movie. It drags at points, but we really need to push that cartoons can be meaty. The short was okay, but I just love the fact that Pixar still makes shorts. I always felt like there should have been Tiny Toons and Animaniacs shorts before WB movies. Sometimes I wish I could go back to the days where you got your cartoons and news in front of two movies, in huge movie palaces, just without all the general societal repression that was happening contamporaneously.
Which brings me to my main problem with the movie. Not the idea of cars fucking (they deftly side-step I'd say); that actually amuses me. It's not even the ease with which Lightning is able to make everyone's life around him better if he just, y'know, tries. It's that the movie expects us to be nostalgic for a time when life was really crappier than it is now. Depicting Cheech Marin and Jenifer Lewis living peacefully in a clearly Podunk town, 40 years ago no less, is just disingenuous. Don't tell me they're just cars, because nearly all the cars are ethnically coded. Except Lightning, bless Owen Wilson's Aryan ♥.
Okay, enough about me. Let's see what the real folks think:
Lightning didn't lose, Ebert. Did you even watch the movie?
To answer Mick LaSalle's question, McQueen wants to be loved. Cheesy, but a motivation enough.
Oooh, irony in its slowness! I knew I liked The Voice for reasons other than faggotry
Does Cars play only to NASCAR fans? I read its racing as ahtletics in general. What else would cars do?
Wait, I kinda agree with Nick Shrager? EWWWWWW!
Slate is right about Larry the Cable Guy being cute, but the Japnese coupe? Too easy.
Here I thought Jay Ward was part of the choir invisible.
Stagecoach? My Cousin Vinny? Thank you, Anthony Lane, for original references unironically about unoriginality.
Finally, my three favorites: Dargis contrasts Cars with Terminator for celebrating a world full of machines. Tasha Robinson replaces Ed Gonzalez, and is apparently the only critic who mentioned Michael Keaton (sounds like someone at Pixar liked Herbie: Fully Loaded). Zachaerk, once again, hits us off with the perfect closer: [N]one of the characters in "Cars" feel like flesh and blood. None of them feel like family. Instead, they're just a means to an end -- vehicles and nothing more.
Mood: Between Citizens and Morlocks
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2006.07.06 15.03
Very Saltless Decades
Unlike the last, self-determined time I was watching Nick/Noggin, I'm visually assaulted by some show as I'm trying beat the lunch special deadline at my local Chinese food place. Mind you, this is Nick Jr, which I lost track of at least a decade ago (I miss the days when Nick repurposed old animation, even though I know they're now funding the creation of better stuff). Not only that, but I've come in late, with maybe 7 minutes to go.
Plus I can't hear anything.
All I see are some puppets making a cake to trap some guy dressed like Sherlock Holmes but with a prosthetic chin. So far so surreal, but good. Then, I see someone who may or may not be young girl, dressed like Strawberry Shortake, and while I'm not sure if she's of age or not, she definitely looks hotter than Natalie Portman did wearing a similar outfit in Closer or V for Vendetta...or any move she's ever been in where she looks like a little girl (except for, maybe, The Professional).
Fine, I'm a little confused, but okay. Then this guy dressed like Ben Stiller's character from Dodgeball joins the fray. Sherlock Hoax or whatever is captured, but he picks up the prison and tiptoes away, flinging cake icing. Shortcakes and Stiller break out into song, totally revealing that she is waaaay too young, but I'm distracted by all the acrobatics: Stiller does one-handed somersaults (which seems like it should be no easier than no-handed ones), and Shortcakes does a split...FOR NO GOOD REASON. In the end, Stiller jumps on a rope leading to plane and flies away. Credits roll: the show is called "Lazytown."
Now I have more questions than answers.
Like, "Is it any chance Shortcakes is a midget?"
Mood: Skilled in the Maritan Arts
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2006.06.01 02.07
Unvestigative
Most of this blog is based around the notion that it's good to get some emotions out in the "open," rather than repressing them. Except, I can't help feeling that writing some things out only helps to reify them, that legitimating them as integral (albeit inimical) to your thought process only intertwines their ontological status with your own. The goal, instead, should be of extirpation, of starving the weeds rather than giving them sunlight. The problem is that those aberrant thoughts are the most interesting to read later. Nobody wants to read how they saved a kitten from a tree, and drivers don't rubberneck at parallel parking. Where's the breakthrough, where's the hook?
Most of our lives and thoughts, it turns out, are boring. We can jazz it up either through purple prose or selective entries, but then why not just write a roman-à-clef and get it over with?
Mood: Drop in His Daddy's Sack
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2006.05.26 20.09
Doors Are Bullshit
Sometimes I think the world might be changing its mind, like it's waking up to my conception of beauty. Take a look at Egypt. At first glance she's kind of mannish, but when you watch her in action, you realize she's beautiful, on some other-level, evolutionary tip. From the propaganda on her website, she also seems mad down to earth, like "To some degree I made it, but I don't take myself too seriously." She's Angie Martinez with a banging body. A less dykey Queen Latifah. A non-slutty Gloria Velez.
Then I look back over the Grand History of bangin chicks, and you see someone like Nancy Kovack. She had a pretty lengthy career, but nothing that really goes down in the pantheon. You get the feeling she was never known enough to be really forgotten, and that neither {is, will be} Egypt. But those are were grade-A knockers, especially in the age of Audrey Hepburn. To quote Twista quoting Andre 3000, Novack's the prototype, a predecessor to every successive all-out knockout. Then why isn't she celebrated like that?
Parrallel evolution. Egypt and Kovack poppped up, but chicks like them will pop up later not because of their success, but despite their lack of it. Then one of those followers will be a hit, and the pussy-paradigm shifts. So I'm going to savor the Egypts for now, hoping they'll replace the Bambi Franciscos later.
"Bambi Francisco" is a pretty sexy name, though, I'll give her that.
Mood: Full Fungu
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2006.05.18 22.55
They Don't Serve Steak @ Vegetarian Restaurants
Okay, I'm torn. While Inside Man got slightly better reviews than Mission Impossible III, both deserved to do better at the box office (although both debtued debuted at number one), both have ridiculously crack ending themes. MI:III had some of the craziest action scenes I've ever seen, but Inside Man had a small plot point involving picking out women with large breasts (where is the Samantha Ivers fansite? Nobody should be in a big-budget movie as The Hot Chick and not have a bunch of pictures illuminating just how hot she is. This really does bother me).
I thought about deferring to the professionals, as I haven't seen the Ocean 12s and Bourne Supremacys of the world to really judge these against. Action and heist films don't really excite me. The MI:III trailer was just too much, though, and, I mean, Spike Lee directing a Denzel/Jodie (not to mention Ejiofor/Colicchio) movie about New York? So...reviewer face-off??
Dargis focuses her distaste for MI:III on the big names (while giving Philip Seymour-Hoffman a pass), but thinks they provide just the right twist to Inside Man's well-worn setting (while hating on Spike Lee for misogyny).
The Onion A/V Club thinks J.J. Abrams was never better and Spike Lee is playing tricks on somebody (us or Hollyweird?).
Peter Ranier is not impressed by Spike Lee reining himself in, but adores Seymour-Hoffman for doing it.
Peter Travers thinks both have convoluted plots. I don't think I've ever read a Travers review before? Was I missing something?
Edelstein subtly accuses Spike of Jew-baiting, and heralds Abrams for Cruise-baiting.
Did "Time" not review Inside Man??
Anthony Lane simultaneously excoriates (I don't actually know what that word means; isn't about scratching?) the plots holes and lauds Spike as the anti-Renoir (I don't actually know who that is; isn't that a painter?), while wishing Abrams didn't cinematically cum before the conclusion. (Fuck you: I'm proud of that one).
Ebert calls balderdash on Russell Gerwitz's script, and feels MI:III is same ol' same ol', even dating back to Citizen Kane! Does anybody else at the "Sun-Times" do reviews.
Finally, the end of the Dargis/Zacharek sandwich: Spike "is the inside man," but Cruise is "so busy trying to rock our world that he forgets he's supposed to be saving it." She really has kick-ass endings, you know? They say you're not supposed to try and be pithy at the end, but, I mean, you telling me she didn't want to wrap things up in a neat little package?
In the end, I tip to Insidse Man. That GTA reference is way funnier than milking grey goo and Her Majesty's Secret Service. Also, did I mention boobs?
(I like packages too)
Mood: Love making tennis
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2006.05.08 18.38
Arm in Arm to the Charming Park
I was checking out The Onion because I always forget it publishes regularly. I probably spend more time at the A/V Club than the main site. Anyway, I saw one of those creepy Japan-fetish ads that I thought were only on E/N sites like SomethingAwful, but I guess satire's gotta get supported somewhere. Usually I shrug them off, but I saw someone named Yuko Ogura 小倉 優子. While, as can be seen from this LJ, I do have a fascination with the Japanese scripts (among others), Asian women in general don't do it for me. But, I was intrigued what some random girl in has to offer (or if it was a general term for something-or-another).
Well...I couldn't quite figure that out. I was too busy being distracted by these, especially in contrast to those. Now, I'm well aware that breasts are lying liars, but this swimsuit must have space-age technology (I love that phrase; isn't everything after Спутник-1 space-age?). Or maybe it's just tied extra tight around her neck. Either way, this is the greatest mystery since Are Ashlee's Breasts Real?
Mood: InaPoPoite Porn
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2006.05.03 22.42
Lispy Canyons
It's Google dance time, right? Google keeps giving me the ol "terms only appear in links pointing to this page." I hate that; it makes me want to see the original page so bad.
Other things I hate: seeing women I like (and I thought were attainable) with guys that look way better than me I; when groups I'm in openly make plans without me, as if my exclusion were a foregone conclusion; how long my film rants are. Let me try to fix the last one, at least.
So Salon is underwriting Salon Day Passes, now? How does that work? Plus, when Zacharek is giving away the best parts of her review — it fits so neatly under the top — in the first ¶, why bother with the pass?
I didn't think of "Paradise Lost" or State and Main like Michael Atkinson (although, I did like Adam Brody), didn't imagine Aaron Eckhart as a modern-day Ric Flair like David Denby (but I also think Mario Bello is a cutie and Cameron Bright was creepily precocious), did think Katie Holmes was poorly cast, adore the CSM's breakdown of objectionable material, agree with the A/V club about the ending, and I have no idea where Ebert was going with his Thin Man reference.
My main contribution to all this: it's Wag the Dog! An ensemble cast skewering pop culture in a way that actually has no point whatsoever yet is captivating to critics.
No, wait, actually, lots of people made the connection. How about Katie Holmes sex scenes while preggers? Darn.
I...uh...I guess I have nothing to add. Well, I guess I never have anything to add, but this time, at least, I'm conceding that fact.
Mood: Hangin Like Mouth of Tired Dog
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2006.04.29 01.38
He Who Succeeds Breeds
This was going to be about how it's travesty that Batman Begins and Sin City are in the IMDb top 250 but V for Vendetta isn't, but then I realized V is, and I decided that's just stupid.
V is, as I see it, the story of Batman and Robin. And the Phantom of the Opera. And whatishisface from Equilibrium (which covers it being a bunch of other movies). Except, it was better than all of those. Those are, on some level, not serious enough. Even Batman Begins, with its pretensions of realism (his company was making the Batsuit all along) gets pretty stupid (his company was making the Batsuit all along??). V, despite a few leaps and bounds of logic (I'm sure someone can explain the whole mail thing), has that "Next Sunday A.D." time frame which makes all of this possible, if not probable. Plus, it's founded on the dual post-fascist logic of Marshall Plan Britain and War on Turr America, so much so that you'd think it would collapse on its own intertexuality. Well, it doens't; rather, it belabors it.
Still, when, 1984 isn't in the top 250, when V ranks higher than Brazil, and...actually, I could go on and on about the top 250, but I'll try and stick to the topic. I feel like these people are just sucking Wachowski cock, which is weird because they all they did was adapt someone else's story. They didn't direct it, they didn't hire some Chink to choreograph it, and it's not like you have to pull strings to get Hugo Weaving to do anything (although, I must saw, he was awesome). But, they thought, "Hey, The Matrix was deep...so this movie was deep too in its own way, right? Ha-ha imperialist America leads to a Hitler stand-in controlling Britain. Didn't see that coming." Did MoveOn.org write this or what? Zing!
Now, I think it's something that needs to be said (perhaps moreso after the London Tube incident, but, hey, if the studio tells you to delay and you're already dealing with sticky stuff...), but however slickly a rehash done that doesn't make original. I like to think originality counts for something, that Gus Van Sant's Psycho is inherently inferior to Hitchcock's. Okay, okay, one more top 250 comment. Kill Bill is a pastiche, right? How is it better, then, than every single movie it indexes? Is this some sort of gestalt thing? Anyway, on to the veterans.
SNAP Ebert got me. I totally didn't realize the '84-cast-connection. As for the ending, what I worried about was the damage done to the people nearby. Which was none, because the ending got all "I am Malcolm X" on us. Oh, and if nobody gets to this, I like the rationality given to the absence of colored people.
Does Variety put its reviews through a machine or do the authors really use that style? In any case, was the comic really MORE complicated, because this story is pretty crazy. Also, this has way more coherent fighting than Batman Begins, and way less Mortal Kombat Annhiliation-animality in the Van Hesling vein, but, yeah, it's no Clockwork Orange.
Ruthe Stein may or may not be insulting Natalie Portman. In any case, yes, the Monte Cristo scenes were to die for. Did Weaving do his own stunts?
Ohhhh SHIT! Someone else got the Malcolm X vibe from the ending (but, methings, not the ending-to-Malcolm X). Youse my new Ed Gonzalez, J Hoberman. Saidly, Keith Uhlich did Slant's review of the film, so I'm not even going to bother.
Hugo Weaving's really British?? Here I was thinking he was Nigerian. Silly me.
Wow, Darkman. I forgot that shit. I like how there was a Bond villain with the exact same "ability," though. More importantly, I like how there's a whole fucking Wikpedia sub-universe of Bond villains; is there anything NOT on Wikipedia? Most importantly, "The New Yorker" gets to the big problem with V's plan: what's next? Not to be smug, but what's his exit strategy? It's all very Revolutionalize and Let the Proletarian Dictatorship Sort Em Out.
Stephanie Zacharek apparently responds to e-mails. That's so awesome! Maybe I just think of her as a way bigger deal than she is. Anyway, Ms Zacharek dunna like V 'cause she dunna like '"ambiguous" heroes who are really just thinly disguised assholes"'. Well, I loved the offending scene, because it's exactly what Batman would have to do to inculcate Dick Grayson. Well, not exactly. Hertz, donut?
All in all I see why this movie wasn't a blockbuster: it's a pro-gay pro-terrorism movie with random flashes of expressionism where Natalie Portman plays a bald Keira Knightly and America has no agency. Also, it was slow as fucky; there's more action in Rear Window...or, at least, that Simpsons episode which parodied Rear Window. I haven't seen the actual movie, although according to IMDb's top 250, it's pretty good.
[I wrote that ending in advance. I also wrote this in advance. This actually says a lot about me, I think.]
Mood: Yarncore
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2006.04.16 14.09
Partly Gay with a Chance of a Reach-Around
Initially I planned to compare Date Movie and Scary Movie 4, but the former was just so unfunny that I don't think it's fair to have them occupy the same space. Yet Date Movie premiered to the tune of 20 million dollars, placing it as the 12th best-grossing spoof of all time, above such all-time greats as Spaceballs, Not Another Teen Movie, The Brady Bunch Movie, High School High, Top Secret!, and CB4 (Scary Movie 4 almost succeeded in passing it in one weekend).
Since Date Movie is already on IMDb's Bottom 100, and, unlike Soul Plane I have no desire to rehabilitate it out of there, I'm not going to provide a review so much as a comparative laundry list. Although, it should be noted that, like with Soul Plane, nobody seemed to want to give a genuine review of either, as if the subject were beneath them. That is certainly not my opinion.
...
Honest!
To be fair, I had way higher hopes for Scary Movie 4 off the cameos alone. It's budget was probably way higher, as it actually had pretty good SFX (although the cinematography seemed off at times, and I saw it projected digitally). Ben Wassertein had the one thoughtful critique of the film I saw, and he noted that it's less a story than a methodical work through of parody. What I think it should get most credit for —and I haven't really seen this mentioned anywhere — is that in the midst of parodying War of the World's it actually takes on the post-Scenario 12D mentality of that movie, making it perhaps the first post-Scenario 12D comedy (yes Soul Plane had its Taliban jokes, and there was pretty much all of Team America, but this was the first comedy I have seen to parody the President as if to say, "No, it's not too soon," albeit but one week before American Dreamz).
Date Movie, on the other hand, seemed to have no redemptive qualities. Metacritic's sole positive review of the film felt that the film carried cinematic romance to its extreme to highlight the prepost...erity?...of it all. Curious, I hunted down the other 3 (two are the same) positive reviews on Rotten Tomatoes. Michael Booth felt if you didn't like one joke, all you had to do was wait a few seconds and out came another one. Joe Utichi thought that the protagonist Julia Jones was "flawlessly-written." Bob Strauss just really hates romantic comedies.
Back in the real world, the Onion A/V Club reminds us that Date Movie is parodying comedies!! The Village Voice believed the writers were confusing mere references for jokes. As a consequnce, the Boston Globe felt the only joy in to be found in the movie was counting the list of references.
Oh, and what a list it is. Often I feel the movies listed under IMDb are oblique or matters of parallel evolution, but for the most part this list is accurate. I do, however, take umbrage with the following: Seven Year Itch has been invoked so many times that we're no longer invoking it when it is invoked. An Affair to Remember wasn't referenced except through Sleepless in Seattle. Is the fat suit a Nutty Professor reference or a Shallow Hal one? Does Grant's beard at the end invoke Cast Away or just a joke about time passing? I haven't seen Sweet Home Alabama, Legally Blonde, or Monster in Law, so who knows? As for Something About Mary, Fatal Attraction, Love Actually, and Rent, I don't see it at all. The list omits RIZE and the Indian mother is obviously in reference to something, but who knows what. (One reviewer thought Bend it Like Beckham. I thought Monsoon Wedding.. The idea that it was a joke in and of itself, signifying nothing, is inconceivable.)
Scary Movie 4, meanwhile, only parodied Grudge, War of the Worlds, Million Dollar Baby, Village, Brokeback Mountain, Saw, and, I think, Dark Water. Maybe even a little Pee-Wee. The two movies did share in mockery of Shaq&Kobe, Tom&Katie, iPods, Lil Jon, Carmen Eletrcra, Jacko, and Yahoo! Maps/Mapquest. Actually, I can't think of anybody famous who cameo'd in Date Movie that didn't cameo in Scary Movie 4, although Scary Movie 4 had the exclusive benefit of F-A B-O L-O U-S, Chingy, Dr Phil, Chris Elliott/Molly Shannon/Bill Pullman/Charlie Sheen (do those count??) and JAMES MOTHEARLFUCKIN JONES. Seriously, that's some gangsta shit when you can pull Mufasa.
Scary Movie 4 pulls all this off better because, well, its jokes are actually funny (Date Movie had the worrrrrrst LoTR parody I've ever seen), but, also, Date Movie is rife with things that have actually been done before. In Scary Movie 4's case (writing that whole title makes me feel stupid, even though I'm just copying and pasting), zombies had been done in Shaun of the Dead, joke-Japanese was done in South Park the Movie: Bigger Etc, and Brokeback's been done to death on t3h in+3rn3+5. But there was a pretty decent jab at army recruitment ads, and the best send-up of ambushes ever. EVER.
Now, wooo, okay, in Date Movie, the K-Fed lookalike channelled Chappelle's Oprah sketch, the Sophie Monk's slow-motion entrance was killed by Lacey Chabert in Not Another Teen Movie, product placement was more aptly (and metaly) addressed in Looney Tunes: Back in Action, bad stunt doubles were tackled in pretty much every Wayans Brothers movie (especially I'm Gonna Git You Sucka), waxing can never be funnier than it was in 40 Year-Old Virgin, spouting movie lines in movies was done (amongst others) Shark Tale, and diegetic flashbacks had to have been tackled somewhere (I think Wayne's World,), but it was pretty funny when the phone flashed back during the Kill Bill parody sequence (while Julia Jones was shopping for a wedding dress...so she was the Bride...get it???). There were a lot of montages in the movie too, and I can't tell if this was lazy writing or an attempt at parody but, in any case, Team America's montage is unfuckwittable.
Speaking of fuckwittable, the one place Date Movie shines is in sex appeal. Anna Faris and Alyson Hannigan are a toss up. Regina Hall and Meera Simhan are as well, if only because Simhan's character dresses better than Hall's. Carmen Electra is almost unrecognizable in Scary Movie 4, but there's something oddly erotic about a giant black ape-finger sexually harrassing her at the end of Date Movie (the one reason I wanted to see the movie!). Sophie Monk and Stiffler's Mom, while not my type, certainly outplay Debra Wilson-as-Oprah (otherwise the second sexiest MadTV woman after Lisa Kushell) and not?-pregnant Molly Shannon. This doesn't even get to Valery Ortiz, the best looking 100-year-old in the game, and Marie Matiko, who is of inconsistent attractiveness; the whole Chinese/Japanese/Flipino mix is throwing me off. She definitely beats out Cloris Leachman, though (to think, she was Miss Chicago 1946; fucking senescence).
Mood: Melancholy Minus its Charms
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2006.04.01 02.15
Hey Man, Pass that Dog
This will be constructed like an oreo. Or a sandwich. Why did I think "oreo" first?
First of all, I hate nice weather. I walk around thinking, "Wow, this is great...why can't I share this with anyone?" Also, I hate bad weather because, I mean, it's bad (and sometimes, when I stay inside I think, "Why can't I share this bed with anyone"). Basically, my mindset fucks me over no matter what.
...I'm tired. But I've already started this entry? What do I do? Should I make a short entry so I can go to bed soon, or barrell through it now so I'll have more fun reading it later. Actually, this is a false dichotomy, since I can just go back and edit entries (or go to sleep, wake up, and finish). Blah. Barrell through it is.
 I was watching "Teachers" mostly because I thought that "the hot teacher" was, indeed, hot. Thing was, the character is a Latina (Tina Torres), but I didn't see any Spanish surnames in the credits. Actually, Sarah Shahi (what's with the alliteration?) the actress playing Tina has an Iranian father and a mother of some sort of Spanish extraction.
Now, my problem isn't with her playing a Latina; my problem is that she seems to always play Latinas (and/or WASPs); "Jennifer Carillo," "Carmen de la Pica Morales," "Carmen." Why can't she play an Iranian?
I get the feeling that, for "Teachers" they wanted to cast a busty Latina (I also get the feeling her character was written in much later, because she's always off to the side in promo photos...), she auditioned, was good, and they just pretended that she actually conveys that. Look, she's beautiful, in a way most white women aren't (and she is indeed white, Iranian=Aryan). But can't she just be pulchritudinous Persian (I can alliterate too!)? Just by the merit of they're not being a lot Persians on TV, it'd be awesome.
Then again, I'm sure there are going to be some sort of jokes about her ethnicity (they already had jokes about people being British, people being Black, people perhaps being gay), and I'd rather they trot out Hispanic stereotypes than Iranian ones. I mean, how many Iranian stereotypes are there anyway, and are any of them actually funny in any way?
One good thing from Teachers (besides the fact that the aforementioned Black guy is that kid from "The Cosby Show" that I thought should have been in Fat Albert), is when Tina first meets the boring main character, she deflects his advances by letting him know she has a boyfriend. Actually, she doesn't have a boyfriend (well, she later says she doesn't...is it me, or this entry parentheses-heavy?), and later she ends up making out with him, so, basically, she's a tease (those fiery Iranians!). Ignoring that, however, a lot of the time I would like to know if women have boyfriends, but how do you find these things out, exactly? Get to know them? You get caught in the friend zone. Ask one of their friends? Then you come off as cowardly-cum-immature (heheh, "cum"). Broach the subject yourself? Not only is that forward, it's sort of missing the point. So if women just came out with the "I have a boyfriend" thing, we'd all be better off. That's probably the one good thing about Facebook, MySpace, and all that; eventually our relationship status will HAVE to be online somewhere. The internet makes everything so much easier!
...Now I'm not really tired anymore. Pooh. I mean, "Shit."
Mood: Yupper West Side
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2006.03.05 01.22
Sonnets Made of Dirt
 Somewhere, someone is riding Natalie Portman's dick right now. As disturbing as that sounds, I have something even creepier in mind. The woman girl on the left is one Christian Serratos. She was probably 15 in that picture, maybe even 14. I think she is pretty.
I have wondered before whether or not I am a pedophile, but now I don't think so. What's going on is even sadder. I'm like the people who cast The Wonder Years, looking at WhoeveritwaswhoplayedWinniebecauseIrefusetolookthatup and thinking, "Why, yes, I would have been attracted to her when I was younger, but to look on her now in such a manner would be perverse." She's pretty like a dressed-up baby is pretty, or a peacock, or black&white pictures of your grandma.
Why does this sadden me? (Is "ensadden" a word?). I used to imagine how much fun being an adult on one of those Nick shows would be. To be Mike O'Malley or Dave Coulier or Marc Summers: what cooler job could there be? Now I look at Jack Black's ads for the Kids' Choice Awards or that random guy promoting the Zoey 101 tv-movie ("Spring Break-Up"!!!) and I think, "Wow, this must be destryoing their souls." Jack Black, as big a goofball as he is, can't possibly want to host the Kids' Choice Awards; it just so happens he's making a movie for Nickelodeon. So he's whoring himself. The other guy is probably just scrounging and/or has a day job (I always wondered what you do if people recognize you from acting on Nick but you work at a Staples or something).
This concept would never have crossed my mind earlier. Back in the SNICK days, I thought it was totally the most. I'm not saying I've fully matured; I just spent my Saturday night watching Teen Nick, for Pete & Pete's sake (if only because I expected Kappa Mikey). But I definitely feel distanced from the programs. I know I'm never going to get to be on "All That" (unless I suddenly embark on a musical career, or become the next Sinbad), I know I'm not going to get to make out with an aZn woman in a phone booth at a fake sleep-away camp, I've missed my chance to be a freshman three times over, and I can't tell Ned from Josh from Drake. My ship probably sailed with "Taina," but I guess I could always play somebody's older brother...
As long as it's not Rachel Sibner's. She's just unequivocally a stone cold hottie. I don't want to be guilty of backstage-incest. Something about those glasses...
Mood: Drinking Ovaltine Like a Bitch
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2006.02.12 13.32
If I Want to Date a Coyote
So "BET's Top 25 Most Fucked Up Moments in Black History" was supposed to come again today. I'm going to side-step the irony of it being on BET, not least of which because I did want to watch it.
What's fucked up is that they showed some Coretta Scott King tribute intead. Okay, now, it may seem pathetic that I'm chastizing BET for showing some love instead of hate, but, I mean, they're clearly trying to make up for not carrying her funeral live. Don't lie to me now about how you care, dumping that shit on a Sunday afternoon. If I want to watch Paul Mooney, and you tell me you're going to show Paul Mooney, I don't care why you changed your mind; it's still fucked up.
No movie review this time around, as I'm still reeling from the revelations that Dana Stevens writes for the NY Times, and that this nigga's been biting.
Mood: הכשר Walker
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[ ~Enyce ]
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