Who the fuck taught Tiger Woods to say "Oriental"? Even I don't say that, and I am clearly the most transgressive person on the planet and am certainly not putting on act of any sort. Stupid gook.

Speaking of orientalism, I recently saw what I swore to be the source text for Spanglish: Houseboat. Guy falls in love with maid, doesn't know it, melodrama ensuesu ensues. There are probably lots of other films like that, but I don't notice because they don't have Cary Grant, and they don't have Sophia Loren.

Now, I've never been much of a Sophia Loren fan. I see pictures of her now, and I think, "Well, she's not that special." Raquel Welch, Elizabeth Taylor, even Barbara Walters I can buy as having been sexy in their younger days (or for me on my drunk nights). I think because Loren isn't at all like the wop girls you see in the Bronx, I wasn't able to see her as anything but disconnected from my perceptions of beauty.

When I first saw her, I thought she was Natalie-Wooding it up, with her swarthy complexion that looked like it was sprayed on and her outrageous acccent. Sure, I could buy her as Mexican, but Italian? Loren eventually won me over, however, on three counts.

First, thanks to her crazy eyebrows I realized it was Loren, and that Loren was actually Italain. That doesn't mean they didn't make her get a tan or affect an accent, but I didn't feel I could come at an Italian for the way she portrays her kind. Besides, the film was nominated for an Academy Award for best original screenplay, and that's never happened to a bad movie.

Secondly, once I got beyond how incredibly dark she was (and, to be fair, Cary Grant was sporting a crazy tan too), I was consistently distracted by how pointy her breasts are in those weird fifties bras. I, myself, have always been a fan of cleavage, so I spent much of the movie trying recontextualize Loren's girth to the age of wonderbras (although, to be fair, Ms Loren (awww, isn't it nice how I show her respect while reducing her to a vechicle of breasts) does well enough on her own).

Thirdly, what was with the waistlines back then? It's one thing when you're wearing corsets, but throughout the movie it looked liked everyone — not just Loren — was genetically engineered to be Coke Bottles. The whole big hip/small waist combo is downright unnerving to me, so I doubt I'll be catching another Loren flick soon.

Now, Cary Grant, on the other hand, I mean, do men get any sexier?